Walking through fear...

f there is one things that I've learned in 2011 it is how truly powerless I am. Step one is a beautiful step: We conceded to our innermost self that we are alcoholic, we admit that we have an illness, and that our lives are unmanageable because of us.... because of our perceptions, expectations, and defects of character. It is stated that this is not only true during our drinking and/or using days but also all throughout our journey of sobriety. How can this be? We have a disease that is centered in the mind. Our drinking and/or using is a symptom of a much greater problem.  The following is an excerpt from page 60 in the big book of alcoholics anonymous:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

     "and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas." I'm sure most of us don't catch that during the regular readings at meetings(at least I didn't). Just because we get sober does not mean we get well. That takes action and more action. Of course, referring to the excerpt, b & c touch on more than just step one but each of the 12 steps play a huge role in being able to walk through life sober. Being able to live life on life's terms. This past week has been one of the most emotionally excruciating time in my sobriety. I honestly did not know what to do... I did what I have been taught and found that to no fault of my own sometimes life just happens. It seems so simple to most people but not so for the alcoholic. For with emotional pain comes insanity.. the constant racing of thoughts and the loss of control over them. Once my insanity had adjusted itself well my alcoholism kicked in... and man the more time I stay sober the more I realize how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease really is. My best idea at one point was to take a handful of pills and sleep through the pain. Luckily, that was not the case.

     What actually did happen was this: I sought comfort in my fellowship. I became rigorously honest (over and over again) with those who were close enough to me and some who weren't. I cried for days and days. I called my sponsor who directed me to do some writing and pray for acceptance.  I continued to go to meetings, show up to my commitments, and be of service. Bottom line is- I just didn't drink, use, or hurt myself or others no matter what. I owe it all to a foundation that has been built a little at a time by taking suggestion from others. I can tell you that today I am still hurt, angry, and sad but I am also still sober. My friends and fellowship told me it would pass and slowly but surely it is. God is working in my life and I have faith through experience in that. Things do not always work out the way I want them to but they almost always work out the way they are supposed to. I just need to get out of gods way. 

Megan